Dating and Disabilities

“Can you have sex?” and other FAQs

From the moment that Dan and I started dating, people have asked me what it’s like to date someone who has a disability. I’m going to use this blog to try to answer some questions, starting with the ‘big ones’.

“What’s it like dating someone in a wheelchair?”

Me wearing a floral dress, stood next to Dan, wearing a blue shirt and tie.This isn’t massively different to asking ‘What’s it like dating someone called Dan?’. The obvious answer is, well, no two men called Dan are the same… Everyone is different. Ok, so accessibility needs to be considered when dating any wheelchair user, but even that aspect differs from person to person. The rest is just the same as as most dating experiences; first date nerves, worries about awkward silences, the excitement if you get on, the fluttery chest if you fancy them.

According to the charity Scope, two thirds of Brits say they feel awkward around disability, and some people feel so awkward that they avoid disabled people all together. That really needs to change! When I was younger my grandparents worked at a day centre for people with disabilities and learning difficulties. I occasionally spent time with them there, and went to a few of their summer fetes and fundraising events; I think that this helped to shape my own attitude towards disability from a young age. Unfortunately though, as a society, our historical (and quite frankly out-dated and ignorant) views are still prevalent today. It needs to change.

As I was getting ready for my first date with Dan, I admit I did start to feel anxious. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about his disability at all. I wasn’t sure whether to ask him more about his ataxia, or not to approach it at all. I didn’t want to unintentionally say or do the wrong thing. But honestly, within the first 10 minutes of our date, all my worries had dissolved. I got completely wrapped up in the easy conversation and Dan’s charm- the wheelchair and his disability became insignificant.

“How much did you have to help him? Did you have to push his wheelchair?”

I didn’t have to help Dan at all on our first date. He suggested where we should meet, which meant that he knew what the access was like there. Dan put it bluntly in his dating profile bio: “Not looking for a carer, I have my independence”. He drives, has his own place, and works full time.

For our first date, we met at the café and bar at Ikon Gallery in Birmingham. When I arrived, Dan asked what I wanted to drink, then said he’d go in to get it for me. I sat at the table outside wondering how he was going to manage to carry it over. A few minutes later he came back out with a waitress who was carrying my drink. Knowing that he couldn’t carry it back himself, he easily could’ve sent me to get my own drink, but he didn’t. It might seem like a trivial thing for me to mention, but I think it shows what sort of attitude Dan has.

There are some things that I have to help him with, but he also has to help me out too (like by reaching stuff from the top shelves in the kitchen cupboards! Yes, he can stand…!).

“Will you still be able to experience dating ‘normally’ and fully? Will you miss out or have to make any sacrifices if you’re dating someone with a disability?”

Our first date lasted four and a half hours! Considering I’ve had more than one first date that didn’t even last an hour, I think that speaks volumes. I’d never clicked so well with someone the first time I met them. After a drink at the café and having a look around the Ikon Gallery, we went for a drink at a bar in Brindley Place. Even after that- we hadn’t had enough, so we went for dinner together too.

When I met Dan I was getting my life back after being in an abusive relationship; I was enjoying dating and meeting new people. For a few years I’d missed out on so much due to being in a toxic relationship and struggling with anxiety and depression (turned out to be PTSD). People close to me just wanted to make sure that I didn’t end up being held back or restricted again; so their concerns were voiced out of genuine concern (despite being misplaced!). A few months after the end of that relationship, I developed a new-found zest for life. I decided that whenever and wherever possible, I was only going spend time with people whose company I genuinely enjoyed. I realised I had a lot of making up to do, places I wanted to visit and things I wanted to see. Much the same as the attitude Dan developed after being diagnosed with a degenerative condition. That makes us a perfect match!

Contrary to what people might think about someone with a disability, Dan has a busy, fun-filled life! He is honestly the funniest, most determined, and kind person I’ve met. Within the first couple of months of dating Dan, I’d been out-and-about, and had more fun and laughter than I’d had in a really long time- quite the opposite of having to ‘make any sacrifices’. He’s brought so much to my life. Ew, gushy.

Click here to read my Zip World post, for just one example of what we’ve been up to so far.

“Can you have sex?”

I spent a long time pondering over whether or not to include this in my blog. Initially, I was uncomfortable with putting the blog online at all, so I’m sure you can imagine how I felt about answering this question! But, the purpose of the blog is to be open and honest, and to address any stigmas. Plus, people really do seem intrigued… So much so, that Dan felt the need to broach the subject in his dating profile; at the end of his bio, he simply put “And it works…”.

So… the answer is yes, we can. And we do.Me, sat on Dan's lap in his wheelchair, at a wedding.

Dan was the first one to approach the subject when we started dating. He anxiously told me his concerns, and I told him mine. Of course, it’s a bit of an awkward and embarrassing conversation to have when you’re in the early stages of dating, but we both had ‘baggage’ so it was important that we talked about it. At the time, I was having treatment for PTSD and I was dubious about opening up to Dan. When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, or if you have a disability, sex can be a much bigger deal than it is for a lot of people. However, there was no pressure from either side, and luckily we were both on the same page. We agreed that we just had to figure out what works for us both.  It wasn’t easy at the beginning, but sex wasn’t a deal breaker for us. Controversial? But maybe more common than you might think.

There’s a huge list of physical and psychological reasons why sex might be either a problem, or just not be that important to someone. We’re all different, and having a disability definitely doesn’t automatically mean that someone doesn’t have a sex life (I can guarantee!). Likewise, being ‘able-bodied’ doesn’t automatically mean your sex life should be incredible and massively active.

Dan and I have found our patience and honesty with each other to be totally worthwhile. It’s set a great foundation for mutual trust and a solid relationship.

To summarise, dating someone with a disability doesn’t mean that I’m missing out on anything at all. In Dan, I’ve gained my other half and my best friend. Plus, being in a wheelchair means his lap provides a pretty useful portable seat for me when I’m waiting in queues. And I mustn’t forget the other pros such as good parking spaces…!

Check out my Top 5 Reasons Why Dating someone with a Disability is Great to see more on this topic!

In an attempt to help #EndTheAwkward, I’m happy to answer any other burning questions you might have! Just leave them in the comments section of this article.

Love, Becky x

 

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